CHILDREN

TRAVELING WITH CHILDREN

Don't.

Just kidding...sort of. We took no children in 2000 or 2002 or 2004 or 2005, only because we have no children, but previous trips with children have taught the following hard and fast rules.

#1 - IF YOU HAVE NOT MADE A TRIP OF AT LEAST 3,000 MILES OR TEN DAYS WITH YOUR CHILDREN AND IT WAS A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE, DON'T EXPECT THEM TO BECOME VETERAN TRAVELERS.

The above assumes they're relatively small. If they're teen-agers and are still surly, maybe you should take them as punishment.

One baby may need to be taken if this is the time you can afford to go and both have vacation time coming; just be aware that changes in food, water, and climate and uncertain access to medical care may be hard on the baby and murder on you.

If they're not babies, but still small, rule #2 applies.

#2 - IF THEY'RE NOT ALL AT LEAST TEN YEARS OLD, DON'T TAKE THEM. LEAVE THEM WITH GRANDPARENTS, COUSINS, OR FRIENDS.

IF YOU'RE DOING THE LUXURY TOUR - YOU'LL FIND THAT MANY HOTELS IN THE HIGHEST PRICE CATEGORIES DON'T WANT OR WON'T ACCEPT CHILDREN UNDER TEN. (AT SOME THEY'RE ONLY ACCEPTED DURING CHRISTMAS!!!)

First, if they aren't at least 10, they won't remember it except for vague blurs; they won't like the food; they won't like museums or cathedrals; they won't want to go shopping. Are we getting through here?

Second, they take a lot of care, which means you won't have any fun, much less romance.

Third, unless both sets of grandparents, cousins, or whatever are registered offenders or psychotic, your kids will have a much better time with them than with you. Of course, when you get back you'll hear "Grandma didn't make us do that," to which you reply "Grandma doesn't have to put up with you all the time," or "Life isn't fair." Russ prefers the latter.

#3 - IF THEY ARE TEN AND OVER, BY ALL MEANS TAKE THEM, BUT KEEP THE FOLLOWING IN MIND:

They have not been waiting for years to make this trip. They will be excited by what they see, but they may want to stop for weird sights, factories, stores that look like Big K, nuns in a line, autostrada restaurants, and souvenir shops.

They will tolerate museums and cathedrals if the visits are spread out, intrinsically (as opposed to historically) interesting, or you took the time before you left to build up their anticipation. If you didn't, you're a bad parent and should send them and stay at home.

They will want to see the tallest, the smallest, the biggest, and the oldest. Their little eyes will roll upward at anything you describe as "fascinating," "unusual," or "significant."

They won't like all the food. Let them try stuff on your plates. Ask the waiter for a sample of something if they're waffling and you hope to convince them. Italy may be your best choice in this regard. Pizza and spaghetti are not unknown here.

#4 - IF THEY'RE FOURTEEN AND UP, GO TO THE "GETTING ALONG" PAGE.

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